what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
