there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
