if only i could text you this smell
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
