literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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