im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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