She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
