I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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