I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
