I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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