I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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