someone get that fucking seahorse.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
