I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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