I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
