I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
