Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
