Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
