In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
