I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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