dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize