The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
