Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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