Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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