So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
