Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
We got so high we made milksteak
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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