If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
