Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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