I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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