his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
