I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
