Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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