Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
