bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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