Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She bit a glass in half.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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