ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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