you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
