How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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