billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
