my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
