apparently the secret to your success is patron
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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