Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
