tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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