Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
