my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
