i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize