so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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