I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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