I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
