Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
