I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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