they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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