U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Well I just put wine in my tea
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
