my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
