first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
