When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
