Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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