I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
