This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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