I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
