Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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