i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
