im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
