dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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